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Joke of the Day

"What do the morbidly obese and podophiliacs have in common? [NSFW] They can only get off with their feet."

"Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you're sleeping."

"Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW! Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door* Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed."

"How do you identify the head waitress at a restaurant? She's the one wearing knee pads."

"Recently, 218 Italian MPs signed a bipartisan bill for the legalization of marijuana...[x-post from r/trees] They're basically in joint support, for *joint* support. I'll show myself out."

"I like my women like I like my cigars. Cuban, shipped in bulk and 7 years old."

"So, my masturbation classes are not going to well I'm afraid... ...yesterday, nobody came."

"Just ate two bacon cheeseburgers, so if anyone wants to come rob me, I won't be getting up."

"""it looks like one horny mother fucker wrote this"" *holds up torch to read hieroglyphics painted on wall* ""it reads: ""can i fuck a pyramid"""

"Newt Gingrich's face looks like a fat woman's knee."