147095

Joke of the Day

"Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found you with your fingers in the butter again? That's funny Mom. I can't remember either."

"What do you call a Dothraki mathematician Khal culator"

"With all this anti-drug propaganda going around, how do you know a D.A.R.E. representative is lying? His lips are moving."

"You can bet that the Street will vote for Hillary Vuitton . . . . . . they know she's in the bag !"

"As a kid I always wanted to be a conductor ... Now I think it requires too much training."

"When a woman cooks you dinner you're either going to get laid or poisoned."

"*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters* Caption: I'm so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross"

"A simple smile can brighten someone's day... ...but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night."

"*Buys a bunch of wooden letters* Cashier: Feeling crafty? Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself."

"My butt was set on fire while I was out with my girlfriend It was really ember-ass-ing."