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Joke of the Day

"My wife said to me: ""If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"" I said: ""Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."""

"I told my Canadian friend that I ran zero miles today... she said that was 0K"

"Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack Therapist: How do you feel now? Me: With my elbows"

"None for me. I'll eat when I'm dead ""You don't understand how that saying works, do you?"" I'll understand how the saying works when I'm dead"

"Describe yourself in three words. I am a rebel."

"[flashback to 1st date] *cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn Me: Popcorn? Her: No thanks. (Mom reaches from row behind) ""I'll have some."""

"Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom."

"Dr: You've gained some weight Me: You said I should take it easy Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick Me: WELL I'M NOT A MIND READER"

"Polish Ice Hockey tragedy The whole team drowned during spring training"

"I went out clubbing in the village last night. People looked concerned when i came back covered in blood. I was more concerned about my club."