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Joke of the Day

"I'm well versed in Mexico's version of Judo. Judo know if I got a knife... Judo know if I got a gun..."

"What did the magician say when he a did a magic trick on the spaghetti? Pesto chango"

"Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they're for here or to go."

"You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls."

"What did the dad say to his baby who's being breastfed? You mothersucker."

"eer booze and fun!' 'WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning."

"I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning"

"Fist bumping high fives since 94'"

"Roses are red Violets are blue I've got multiple personalities disorder And so do I."

"Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter."