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Joke of the Day

"[talking to myself in the mirror] ""You will not be awkward today."" Person: ""Hey"" Me: ""Good. How are you?"""

"Who are the fastest readers of all time? 9/11 victims, they went through 87 stories in 15 seconds"

"I hope my car appreciates the wincing when I hit a large pothole."

"I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like ""don't be sad"" ""he's not worth it"" ""you deserve better""!"

"Sorry, I'm way too tired to do anything tonight. I just need to take a shower, get to bed early, then look at stuff on my phone until 4 AM."

"What's the definition of a nervous breakdown ? A chameleon on a tartan rug !"

"The Insurmountable problem by Major Setback"

"My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums."

"I don't have a problem with idiots... I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection."

"Walking by the lingerie section Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway. Me: Uh huh."