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Joke of the Day

"Called my boss this morning. Told him I couldn't come in because I had anal glaucoma. ""Anal glaucoma?"" ""What's that?"" he asked. ""I just can't see my ass coming in today."""

"Last year, I went to study abroad and I am NOT HAPPY about it! This year, my girlfriend is going to study a dude."

"Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks."

"Hitler started the first ever Jewish Marathon.. But he couldn't finish the race"

"""One man's trash is another man's treasure"" is a great saying... But apparently a bad way to tell your kid they're adopted."

"What should you do if you see your TV floating? Turn on the lights and shoot the black guy."

"What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet? A Lassie who plays brassie!"

"A world without women would be a pain in the ass!!! ... If you don't get it... you don't deserve to."

"DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew ME: [I don't hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]"

"Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer."