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Joke of the Day

"[couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules"

"What's a camel? A horse made by committee."

"Why did the Xbox One eat its cereal for breakfast, but not its pancakes? It had the spoon, but not the 4k."

"Kermit the Frog's favorite sex position? Pig in a Blanket."

"Boss: Project's way behind. Suggestions? I'm willing to try anything. Me: *raises hand* Him: Anything but ""helper monkeys"" Me: *lowers hand*"

"My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket."

"I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I'd meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter."

"Why can't I pay pay your mom for sex with my credit card? Because there's a minimum charge of 5 dollars."

"i didn't get your text because i'm lying"

"How does a crackhead order their whiskey? On the rocks"