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Joke of the Day

"You say ""tomato"", I say ""flamingo"". I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored."

"According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, ""neighborhood watch"" isn't what I thought it was"

"'Weeds' is a gateway show... ...watching it can lead to binging on more serious programs like 'Breaking Bad'."

"3: *throws plate in sink Me: but you barely ate! 3: yeah, I'm full...what are you eating? Me: the same thing you had 3: can I have a bite?"

"Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate"

"In this economy I sometimes have to make tough choices. Like between eating or buy that cover for my iPad."

"Hello sir, I'm from your internet provider. You recently said that ""homosexuality is wrong"", so we've blocked you from seeing lesbian porn."

"What's that? ""It's my pet rock."" Why does it look sad? DWAYNE JOHNSON: I'm hungry."

"Why does the little mermaid wear sea-shells? Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big."

"When's ladies' night at the Mexican restaurant? Taco Tuesday"