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Joke of the Day

"When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write ""HELP ME"" while maintaining eye contact"

"Why can't you find an Abbey National at the North Pole? Because Santa dere."

"Could yield signs be any more Canadian? ""You might have to stop. I'm not sure. You decide. Do you like me? I'm on a street!"""

"What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never paid to see a lentil."

"[kids fighting in the back seat] ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON'T CUT IT OUT."

"Well - It's not the first time Donald has left a Bush disappointed..."

"I kept wondering why the Frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me."

"INTERVIEWER: You put ""summoning demons"" as a special skill? ME: That's right. INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?"

"What did the fly say to the other fly? ""Your man is open!"""

"Why did the pony have such a hard time talking? He was a little horse"