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Joke of the Day

"I told an Aussie friend I was having trouble rooting my phone He replied, ""Maybe try buying it dinner first, mate. """

"I just don't understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying."

"A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one."

"I call McDonald's to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone"

"Well well well if it isn't my old nemesis, long division."

"Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East. It seems pulling out is his solution for everything."

"Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm."

"My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I even look at them, they all throw themselves on the floor."

"ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100 ME: 100..99..98 ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what? ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me"

"What was Bob Marley's favourite font? Sans Sheriff!"