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Joke of the Day

"My abusive father always tells jokes His favorite part is the Punch Line."

"I PISSED OFF MY NEIGHBOR ONCE AGAIN!!! She said she could see me masturbating through the window.. I told her if she would buy some blinds, I wouldn't be standing outside her window."

"[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I'M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go"

"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean."

"Call me crazy but you can't follow, star, retweet, and trophy me and then act surprised when I show up to your house in a wedding dress."

"Picking up Women The worst part about picking up a girl, is when she wakes up halfway through the ride home, and starts kicking the roof of your trunk."

"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste."

"""...so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive."" ""Eat human corpses?"" [flashback to eating quinoa] ""Y...yes."""

"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"My parents are both bisexual, but I never really felt loved or wanted around the house. I guess I am a bit of a by-product."