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Joke of the Day

"Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out."

"Monkey: ""We're not so different"" Me: ""Did that monkey just talk to me"" Monkey: ""Monkey noise"" Me: ""Did it just say 'monkey noise'?"""

"I now have an EpiPen My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed really important that I have it, I will cherish forever."

"Women are like snowflakes: they can't drive"

"Instead of dropping Charlie Sheen, shouldn't Hanes keep him on to promote their Wife-beater Tees?"

"A recent study has found that 90% of dead people don't breathe. The other 10% didn't respond to the survey."

"""Just saw this text."" Just saw this lie."

"McDonald's french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too."

"What does a baby look like in a microwave? I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate."

"""Are you the ghost of Christmas past?"" - what I ask a person with a flip phone."