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Joke of the Day
"Have you ever smelled moth balls? How did you get its tiny legs apart?"
Next Joke
"[at seance] Me: If you truly are a ghost why don't you move this object Ghost: If you truly are a human why don't you get your shit together"
"Her: 'Do I look, like, fat?' Brain: no,no,no,no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING Mouth: 'Like a fat what?' Brain: Oh dear God"
"Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now....."
"I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years, Come on guys I don't have 2020 vision"
"Help, I accidentally ... build a shelf?!? What should I do?"
"What do you get when you mix an elf and a scientologist? Elrond Hubbard!"
"How do Russians drive to Alaska? By bearing straight"
"Is there a condition called ""melanism"" ... ...in white people, the opposite of albinoism in black folks? Because, if not, she's got some explaining to do."
"""Where are you all going?"" A lifeboat. The Titanic is sinking. ""You guys are booked til 2. Trust me, this'll be great exposure for your band"