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Joke of the Day

"Did you recently date Taylor Swift, only to be dumped and have a song written about you? You may be entitled to compensation. Call now."

"How do you know if you have a high sperm count? Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows."

"I call bs on the Ninja Turtles having those ripped abs. No way you could do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me Ive tried."

"How can U make a difference? Good Mourning! *(this pun is baaad and I feel terrible about it)*"

"2night's funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man."

"Thanks for the glitter covered greeting card. I'll never forget this gesture because EVERY SURFACE IN MY HOUSE IS COVERED IN GLITTER NOW"

"The future tense of send. Seen"

"What did Jack say when Nick called him a son of a bitch? He couldn't say anything. He was a dog."

"""I see,"" said the blind man... As he picked up his hammer and saw."

"Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila."