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Joke of the Day

"Babies are like new tattoos They are yours forever, but you should probably hold off posting pictures for a bit until they aren't raw and weird looking anymore."

"WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting ""no he's not""] dammit guys, not now"

"If Donald Trump became president... one could say he coined a term."

"When children ask me where rain comes from, I pat their heads, shimmy up the nearest flag pole, and urinate on them."

"The best way to get over someone is probably with your car"

"what do you call a young, green Pumpkin for Halloween? A premature e-Jack-O'-Lantern."

"What should you buy if your hair falls out ? A good vacuum cleaner !"

"What do you call chips that aren't yours? Nacho chips"

"My friend thinks he so smart. He says onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face"

"Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone's battery."