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Joke of the Day

"BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker? RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn't know him. He goes to another Olympics. #LochteGate"

"[sees friend at the store] ""Hi"" Hey ""Where's your better half?"" The PS4's at home ""No I mean-"" Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question."

"[Red Lobster] Waiter: we're offering Endless Shrimp. Me: bring me the endless shrimp <5 days later> Waiter: please leave, I have a family"

"What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sunglasses? The sunglasses sit higher on your face."

"Me: Give me some space, I'm feeling claustrophobic 8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can't"

"Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men. It has the same centerfold every month!"

"A Date joke When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date."

"What do you get when you cross a chief with a black belt? Kung Food!"

"It's a little known fact that Elton John doesn't like iceberg lettuce, he's a rocket man."

"TENS OF PEOPLE DIE EVERY YEAR FROM TIGER ATTACKS! JOIN THE MOVEMENT! #Tony2012"