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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between healthcare.gov and Derrick Rose? Healthcare.gov was broken and now it works."

"[On phone] ""Did u see the weather forecast?"" ""No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather."" ""Where are you? Its so noisy."" ""IN A TORNADO."""

"Her: I can't cook because, I ""believe"" I can't cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that? Me: The arrival of the paramedics?"

"If you love something, set it free. (Does not apply to ferrets.)* *I am no longer allowed on the subway."

"Sure my mom birthed & raised me, but I've had to explain how to check her email 95,000 times, so let's just call it even."

"[parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?"

"My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, ""Everyone just eats it."""

"I can always count on the local cemetery for free Mother's Day flowers."

"Why did the elevator take antidepressants? It was feeling down"

"If Twitter was any more fun we'd have to smuggle it in from Mexico."