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Joke of the Day

"Whenever people are like ""We need to restore traditional values to this country"" I assume they mean slavery and burning witches at the stake"

"I think my penis is sick!!! I was playing with him this morning and he threw-up in my hand."

"Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler. Me: ...I thought her arm was on fire. Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes."

"hanging out at the pet store, teaching all the birds cuss words"

"He sat down and ordered a drink... The bartender said ""I'm sorry. We don't serve faster than light particles here."" A Nutrino walked into a bar."

"I heard there was a bombing in Times Square. But it was just Mariah."

"Doctor Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do Sir this is a fish and chip shop!"

"A long time ago, I thought of a soda joke. I'd share it with you, but I'm afraid I think it'd fall flat."

"*plays Rocky theme song* *cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down* *vomits on kitchen floor* *turns off music* *cleans kitchen*"

"Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell."