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Joke of the Day

"So Tiger will be back for The Masters? I was really hoping he'd wait until The Player's Championship. The man's comedic timing is terrible."

"When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to bury me So they can let me down one last time"

"What do you give a girl who already has everything? Antibiotics"

"A Jehovah's Witness followed me. I think I'll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes..."

"How do dogs own cats? bitches have pussies"

"[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car"

"In honor of To Set A Watchmen coming out soon, what would Harper Lee's book be called if she was Mexican? Tequila Mockingbird."

"Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the ref was blowing fouls"

"Knock knock. Come in."

"Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, ""That's her. She's the one"" And not follow it with ""who ate cake out of the garbage"""