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Joke of the Day

"My New Year's Resolution was to stop masturbating Well I guess there's always next year"

"How can you tell if a road is sad? It has low shoulders."

"When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting ""Eye of the Tiger"" just to give them motivation."

"Do you know why the Little Mermaid wore seashells? Because she was too small for D shells."

"I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. Then he was chuffed to bits."

"How do you stop a Polish tank? Shoot the guy that's pushing it"

"[signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] ""Owned"""

"Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance."

"I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like ""Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute..."""

"What does a vampire with a weight problem drink? Blood light"