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Joke of the Day

"*moves heaven & earth for her* *moves more left *more left *little right *little more right *moves heaven & earth back to original spot*"

"I know I'm getting old... the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels."

"[creation] GOD: So how do you like the flying? PENGUIN: Meh it's no big deal GOD: Oh is that right"

"Ways to get ants out of your house: 1) Ant traps 2) Say you had a good time but it's late & you have work tomorrow 3) Set house on fire"

"This is so embarrassing, what's your name again? - me, the first 30 times I meet everyone"

"I heard the Vatican was making a movie. The name? Pope Fiction"

"What do you call a boat that won't float? Bloated."

"What do the dolphins and the post office have in common? Neither deliver on Sundays."

"[Carnac the Magnificent] Donald Trump Hannibal Lector Liver and fava beans *opens envelope* ""Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner"""

"What do you call a chronic masturbaiter in Turkey? A jerkin Turkin"