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Joke of the Day

"Do you have FB? No Do you have Twitter? No Instagram? No What do you have? A life. ... ... Can I have it? No. I need it to play Candy Crush."

"I bet a lot of Seattle fans' wives had to order pizzas last night"

"Why do terrorists in Antarctica love being interrogated? Snow boarding is fun as hell."

"What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work? Suture self!"

"video games allow you to journey to wondrous locations straight out of your dreams such as: warehouse, sewer, and subway tunnel"

"This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one's ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before."

"There are three types of people in the world I hate. Racists, hypocrites and niggers."

"I use to be addicted to soap I'm clean now"

"I love to view /r/gonewild albums in reverse and watch lonely women regain their dignity."

"How bad is my career? I met a homeless guy on the beach in Los Angeles & thought ""Wow this guy has it made"""