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Joke of the Day

"I was helping Animal Control round up a stray dog today, and was hoping to get credit for the catch. But he got the collar."

"I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he's still wondering what the hell happened."

"[caveman scratches a cave painting of an elephant onto the cave wall] ELEPHANT: delete it"

"A famous singer sang for patients in a hospital. He finished with a cheerful greeting: -Bye-bye , and hope you get better! -Thanks, you too! replied the patients."

"Save the whales. Collect the whole set."

"we're fucked When u thought that Donald Trump running for president was a joke then realized I don't have enough money saved up to move out of the country."

"I'm glad twitter is new because nobody needs to see Michelangelo rt'ing every time someone mentions how majestic the Sistine Chapel is."

"[first date] I had a great time. Not tonight, but I've had a great time before."

"Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack."

"I had consensual sex with a dementia sufferer... It was like HBO's Lost, it was okay when it started but by the end of it no one knew what was happening."