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Joke of the Day

"I typed something into Google on my phone then held it to my ear. I felt stupid at first, but now I'm kinda mad that that doesn't work."

"Stood in very long line today at the DMV behind James Bond renewing his license to kill... shouldn't they have a separate line for that?"

"Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background."

"Today's date: 4/9/16 2 squares/3 squares/4 squares 4/9/16"

"I don't trust left handed people They're never right"

"What does a Doctor do when he needs 50 bags full of fruits? He goes to Orlando and checks the Pulse."

"A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender."

"Where does beef come from? Cowschwitz."

"Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?"

"What do you call two gay Irish men? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick"