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Joke of the Day

"""Please! There's no need to interact with me. I'm just here to observe."" -me in every social situation"

"I was arrested for assault with a chicken. The cops suspected foul play."

"Some people think that the way to a Mans Heart is through his Stomach... ...I think they're aiming a little high."

"[steps off crosstrainer] ""Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--"" ""Shall I call an ambulance?"" ""Please."""

"Cop- Do you know why I pulled you over? Me- Because I fucked your mom? Cop- Get out of the car! Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?"

"Anyone who says 'they wish they could be a fly on the wall' has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper."

"Liverpool have went from SAS to LOLS From Suarez and Sturridge to Lallana Origi Lambert Sturridge"

"You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you're supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that's running just punkd you."

"How does a cow add and subtract? With a cowculator."

"Best Deal Ever My wife said she'll divorce me if I get I phone 6S Rose gold. That's the deal.."