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Joke of the Day

"Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat."

"if running over deer had taught me anything... It's that if somethings horny, plow it on the hood of your car"

"I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won't know until 2018."

"Santa loves the rich kids more."

"I'm no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to fcuk off today you'll feel better."

"What happens when you step on an oily asian? Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope."

"patients always come to the office asking about measles And I tell them, ""no no no, i don't want to make this about measles. Let's talk about yousles"""

"How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner? Don't worry, they'll let you know."

"[waiting with friend for his test results] ""I'm nervous"" I'm sure you're fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*"

"I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he's blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib"