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Joke of the Day

"Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup? Because one more bean would be too farty."

"Breaking news the FBI has found anti matter! They hooked Hillary Clinton up to a polygraph machine..."

"Everything I Say... Literally every single thing I say is an ironic exaggeration."

"ME: I made you some coffee! It's even double filtered... fancy right? WIFE: ME: WIFE: couldn't separate the coffee filters could you? ME: no"

"Raise your right hand if you were home schooled. No, your other right hand."

"I spent 10 minutes comparing minivans with another dad in case you wondered what it's like to be dead inside."

"What's the best part about fingering a Gypsy on her period? You get your palm read at the same time...."

"Everyone knows you can tell a criminal is lying if his lips are moving, but how do you know when a cop is lying? His pen is moving."

"I knew a girl with 12 nipples... Sounds funny, dozen tit?"

"My ass is one of the great wonders of the world if you're wondering when it's getting off this couch."