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Joke of the Day

"welcome to hipster church. this is my body *bites vegan cookie* this is my blood *sips garage-brewed IPA*"

"A man visited a zoo that only had one animal: a dog. It was a Shih Tzu."

"[pulled over] COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car? ME: no COP 2: told you he was a nerd ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs COP 1: lol gotcha"

"If someone is born deaf and dumb, blind, has no arms or legs.... Can we actually call him a piece of meat?"

"No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I'll just stay on Twitter."

"A man and a little boy walk into the woods... the little boy says, ""It sure is dark and scary!"" The man looks at the boy and says, ""How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone!"""

"The ""Slow Children Playing"" signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?"

"ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died"

"Letter to Santa... Little boy: Santa please send me a little brother!... Santa: send me your mother!!!"

"A co-worker said to me, ""Could you be any more annoying?"" So the next day I wore tap shoes to work."