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Joke of the Day

"Having sex is like playing an instrument. When you do it right, you'll start hearing noises."

"Mom: *tastefully decorates house* Kid: HERE ARE 20 MILK CARTONS I TAPED TOGETHER TO MAKE A SNOWMAN I EXPECT THIS TO BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED"

"I really hope to die as peacefully as my grandfather did. Nothing like his passengers, though. They must have been losing their minds before the plane hit the trees."

"Fun Prank: 1.) Buy 35 coats 2.) Goto the movie theatre 3.) Put a coat on every chair in the row 4.) Relax"

"Tweets are like your children: you love them all at first, you never know how they'll age, and most of them you regret creating."

"What's brown and sticky? A stick..."

"Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle."

"WiFi Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was."

"Getting sick of seeing dogs that are not falling in love or at least sharing spaghetti."

"How do you go about picking up a nice Jewish girl? With a broom and a dustpan."