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Joke of the Day

"Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone."

"Why did the star go to the bathroom? Because it had to Twinkle."

"One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse."

"If you capitalize 'him' in your tweets I'm gonna automatically assume you're subtweeting god."

"I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers"

"Slave: I know a way to escape Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven't heard of it. It's really underground."

"A man is donating at his local sperm bank, right as he finishes the doctor walks in.... covers his eyes, and says dont worry I didnt see nuttin"

"Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs."

"I'm gonna tell a Potassium joke. K?"

"""I have parrot-like reflexes."" ""Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?"" ""Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?"""