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Joke of the Day

"Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school--uphill--both ways."

"A porn star comes running up to a laundromat just as it's closing, offering to trade sex so she can wash her clothes. [nsfw] She just wanted to get one more load in."

"How do you congratulate a fighter after winning a match? Good jab."

"What does an egg say when its ""turnt up""? Omlet!"

"What Counting system does Valve use? Trinary"

"Like that scene in 'The Revenant' where Leo is mauled by the bear but it's just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt."

"I can control sheep by just listening to them It's true, I heard them with my own ears"

"There are 10 types of people ... Those who understand binary and those who dont !"

"I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this."

"*turns on deep-fryer* *tosses in chicken nuggets* *adds chamomile and lavender* *recites from the Book of Shadows* Voila, Wiccan Nuggets"