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Joke of the Day

"My favorite mythological creature. My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials."

"The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels"

"Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside. Also, my wife doesn't let me pick movies for date night."

"Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you're literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone"

"My bologna has a first name, and a second name, and a fake name, and a sexy nickname, and exactly none of them are your business so go away."

"You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father's Day, internet."

"I hate being bipolar... But it's also pretty awesome sometimes."

"Q: What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say? A: His and Hearse."

"I went to an allotment yesterday to find more soil there than the day before. Today, I went there again and found even more soil.. The plot thickens..."

"Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? Everywhere."