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Joke of the Day

"[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time] OMG a foot!"

"Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' That was nice..."

"Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?"

"Recently found out I'm not the devil. I read the tag on my underpants incorrectly; it said ""Satin"". Oops."

"Patron: Didn't you tell me the chef here cooked for the late heads of Europe? Waiter: Yes and that's why they are the late heads of Europe."

"I can't believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm."

"What did the brown dwarf say to the bartender? I'd like a Corona, please."

"A guy forgot to pay his exorcist... He got repossessed."

"I wish I could remember how the hell I ignored people before I owned a cell phone."

"Why are the Irish so rich? Their capital is always Dublin. Hehe"