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Joke of the Day
"I wish I could remember how the hell I ignored people before I owned a cell phone."
Next Joke
"I really hope I don't wake up tomorrow morning. I don't want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day"
"In honor of Pi Day: Who founded the round table? Sir Cumference"
"I bumped into an owl friend of mine... ... who told me he was getting engaged. I said, ""You twit, to who?"""
"Did you hear about the vampire who got married? He proposed to his girl-fiend."
"Matthew McConaughey's car can't make left turns. This is very dangerous. He should get that repaired"
"Happy birthday Bob Marley. Shirts with your face on it are now sold at Walmart."
"They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend."
"""The best part of waking up was the Folgers in my cup"" - Suicide note, first draft"
"People are loving this whole 'birdie sanders' thing but... i don't recall a similar reaction when bill clinton got a bird to come"