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Joke of the Day

"[first day as a celebrity chef] *Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*"

"If I had a Dollar, If I had a dollar for every time a homeless person asked for change, I would still pretend to have not heard them."

"Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? A: She said they were pretty good but they might offend some Puerto Ricans."

"Maybe you should get your own life so that you can leave mine alone, bitch."

"When I was young I was worried about getting food stuck in my teeth. Now I'm worried about getting my teeth stuck in food."

"What do you get when you cross a drinking vessel filled with soda with a smoked meat product? Cupicola! ... HAHAHAHAHAHSHAHAHA Hahaha ha I'll see myself out"

"HI MOM. YOU'RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won."

"The FineBros remind me of a movie villian... ...they revealed their master plan via monologue and were stopped before they could end the world."

"I'm surprised 4 isn't an unlucky number. Nothing good ever comes from putting 2 and 2 together."

"""I'm so wet!"" she screamed at me. ""I'm so fucking wet!"" she screamed at the top of her lungs. ""Give it to me, now!"" She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella."