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Joke of the Day

"It's actually easy to spell Connecticut if you think Apple are creating a brand new self-harming app. Connect-iCut."

"[at pet store] ""This tortoise's shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?"" ""No, it happens. It's just a reptile dysfunction."""

"How long is the flight? A Polish man calls up an airline. ""How long is the flight from Chicago to Warsaw?"" ""One minute..."" ""Thank you."" *click*"

"Boss: Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary? Employee: I am allergic to peanuts."

"A girl posted on FB: ""Sum 1 Cum 2 ma house nd sav me frm boredom"" A guy replied: ""sending an English teacher immediately"""

"ten years ago my dad called me a ""latte liberal"" once, now i wanna adjust my vintage frames scoffing all like ""UM, IT'S COLD BREW SOCIALIST"""

"Billy Joel was hospitalized last week. He had a heart attack ack ack ack ack ack. You oughtta know by now."

"Q: Why do Chinese noodles make the best lovers?? A: Because they are 'Lo Mein-tenance' and they don't won a ton of attention. ...but then again, Italian noodles have great Penne-tration..."

"You must never begin a sentence ""I is ..."". ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence ""I is ..."". Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with ""I is a vowel""."

"Hi I'm Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can't kick a football. I'd like to talk to you for a second about insurance"