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Joke of the Day

"He held up my pants and said ""Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??"" Judge: Not guilty. You're free to go."

"One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up."

"New camouflaged condoms! She'll never see you coming again."

"Listen, kid. When you've spent 4 days eating cat food in a Vietnamese spin-fuck chair for phonics, we'll talk about hooked."

"What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaeeeeyyyyy"

"I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them."

"Instead of saying, ""YOLO"", try saying, ""Carpe Diem"". You won't sound like a douche andddd, you won't sound like a douche."

"I went to a prostitute but she charged way too much and only gave me a handjob I guess you could say I didn't get a good bang for my buck."

"Mrs. Claus must be pretty dissatisfied. After all, he only comes once a year."

"[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge [CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my ""secretly move in with her"" plan"