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Joke of the Day

"DOC: good news is you'll make it ME: phew! DOC: ...into the the record book for stupidest way to die ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*"

"What happens when the fog clears in California? UCLA"

"What do you call a Deer with... No eyes?: **No idea** No eyes and no legs?: **Still no idea** No eyes and no legs, having sex? **Still f*cking no idea** And where do you find it? **Where you left it**"

"How many Mexicans does it take to pave a driveway? Six, if you slice them thin enough."

"For valentine's day, I'm taking my wife to see ""50 Shades"". How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up."

"You have tattoos and curves? *unbuttons pants* You're also batshit crazy? *takes off pants* You listen to Paramore? *puts on clothes*"

"I always greet new people with 'Expelliarmus' ..... it tends to be pretty disarming"

"Nothing beats the last 30 seconds of a close basketball game. They should just make all games 30 seconds long."

"I was Hungary... so Iran to Turkey"

"What music service do potatoes like to use? Spudify."