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Joke of the Day

"Why did Tiger Woods parents name him Tiger? Because he's half Thai, half African American. (Get it? It's funny cuz racisim.)"

"<--- 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says ""going down"". Never gets old."

"HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture."

"Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer."

"What did one wall say to the other? Meet me in the corner!"

"I love standing up.. ..but I can't stand sitting down!"

"BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water."

"Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana? ""No!"" Oh really. And what's your first name? ""Indiana"" [jury gasps]"

"I've never gotten in a car accident whenever I'm drunk or high. So, statistically, based on the data, I am a worse driver when I'm sober. Now where's my whiskey?"

"4: I'M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT Me: Stop yelling violent things 4: *whispers* I'm gonna rip your eyeballs out"