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Joke of the Day

"Your posts make me wish I couldn't read."

"If it looks like I'm typing for five minutes I'm really just trying to spell diarrhea."

"What do you call a black guy who reneges on a promise? Unreliable, you racist prick."

"Did you know that the new iPhone 5 helps people lose weight? When you pay for it you can't afford to eat for a month."

"Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos."

"*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room* *calls to renew prescription*"

"Today is David Finchers birthday... WHATS IN THE BOX!?????"

"[After date, walking her to her door] Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don't want to."

"How is Daniel Craig a policeman? He is in Spectre (Inspector)"

"If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there."