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Joke of the Day

"Me: Can I buy that chandelier? Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself? Me: No, I'm hanging it from the ceiling."

"Anal sex is a lot like broccoli makes you fart"

"You know what screw programming C-out"

"Me: I have Schrodinger like reflexes ""Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?"" Me: Yes and No."

"I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away."

"How does Anthony Weiner like his meat? Pulled"

"I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top"

"How does Ellen DeGeneres fire an arrow? With her Les-bow."

"When flying to Prague... ...all of your bags are Czeched"

"I went for a ride on my Vespa and nearly got hit by a Prius. That would've gone down in history as the gayest wreck EVER."