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Joke of the Day

"I was thinking about making a chemistry joke But all the good ones argon."

"me: better check my phone for texts from friends me: *checks phone* me: better get some friends"

"My doctor just told me I'm suffering from paranoia. Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking."

"I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ."

"[Airport terminal] *waits at baggage claim area* *an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel* *I check the tag to make sure it's mine*"

"Why did the young soldier go off searching for a wounded prostitute? A cowboy told him there was a hoedown."

"What does Ivanka call her lower back tattoo? A Trump stamp."

"My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records The library lady then told me it was indecent to place my dick in between a book."

"So my neighbor asked me to fix her sink She's obviously never seen a porno because it's been an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink"

"'gamer' & 'foodie' are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys"