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Joke of the Day

"I was watching a tv evangelist this morning and it made me realize how much I'm looking forward to the Rapture. Yeah, I can't wait until all these ""Christians"" are gone."

"Why are there fences around a graveyard? Because people are dying to get in!"

"I wish I had a job. That way I could spend all day tweeting when I should be working."

"making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)"

"You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back. Are you raising an army for Mordor?"

"I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems. The pitch is easy. All I do is say ""Good morning"". At 3am in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed."

"Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share."

"5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision. Me: OK, what do you need me to do? 5-year-old: Go find Mom."

"Jerk chicken and pulled pork... The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality.. That explains why jerk chicken and pulled pork were the only two menu items."

"Mama bear to Papa bear: ""Well... You might call it hibernating -- I call it 'goofing off'."""