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Joke of the Day

"Dad owl: I'm dying so I need you to look after things. I'm going to give you- Son owl: Don't say it Dad: Power of a tawny Son: [turns head]"

"Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly? Wife: sure *I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano* Wife: this is so romantic"

"I told a Catholic girl my penis is named Jesus... ...because it always rises on the third date."

"What does an envelope say when you lick it? Nothing. It just shuts up."

"Why is King Joffrey like a mattress? Two twins make a King."

"What did Tennessee? The same thing that Arkansas"

"Every religion has violent people... ... The Christians have The Westboro Baptist Church, the Muslims have the jihadists, and the Jews have the IRS"

"[bank] I'd like to pay this into my account [empties pockets full of cat teeth] OMG I'm so sorry [takes card back] that's the wrong account"

"What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I'll go on ahead"

"A fun prank to pull on a neighbor is to introduce a species of invasive grass into his lawn."