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Joke of the Day

"Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly? Wife: sure *I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano* Wife: this is so romantic"

"Who won the 1940 Tour De France? The 7th Panzer division"

"What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts. "

"Awkward=when autocorrect changes 'sooner' to 'sober' so email to 8 yr. old's teacher reads ""I apologize for not getting back to you sober"""

"I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants."

"How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot"

"What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle? The candle is a thousand times brighter!"

"Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I'm too dumb to understand what it means. Let's see how he likes the name Microphallus"

"I went to the taxidermist yesterday... I asked him how many bags of sawdust it will take to stuff my deceased flamingo and pig. He said, ""Two in the pink and one in the stink""."

"USERS: you're alienating the people who actually use your product TWITTER: likes are now florps USERS: what TWITTER: timeline goes sideways"