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Joke of the Day

"i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes date: what about me? Hawaiian themed bathroom fire"

"{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart} Old Lady: Your son is adorable 4 yr. old: *running down aisles* Me: Mam' My son died 10 years ago."

"I just 'borrowed' $20 from my teenage daughter. She's such an idiot."

"Roses are red Violets are blue Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser"

"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

"Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I'm taking a morning after pill NOW."

"tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again."

"What is the most annoying part of boiling vegetables? Finding a pot big enough for the wheelchair."

"People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys."

"Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie."