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Joke of the Day

"[Walks up to stranger] Me: ""Excuse me, would you take my picture?"" Him: ""Sure."" Me: ""Great!"" [I hand him a beautiful 5x7 portrait of me]"

"You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb."

"Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time For shits and giggles."

"The best pickup line I have a weapon in my pants. It's so strong it could destroy Uranus."

"So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn't such a great idea"

"What did one tampon say to the other? Nothin, they're both stuck up cunts."

"Why did the train kill people? It had a loco-motive."

"Who is the funniest American politician? Hillarious Clinton"

"The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year's ""no murder"" resolution."

"What do you call a fugitive, talking down to you while fleeing down the stairs? a condescending con descending."