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Joke of the Day

"If someone asks if you've been crying just say, ""why... do you want to watch?"" and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone"

"Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents. My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!! Me: Then don't do it."

"I like my coffee like I like my women... lightly roasted for that full bodied flavor."

"A Mocking Bird Knock Knock Who's there? Who's there? Who's there who? Who's there who?"

"I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather. Not screaming and flailing about, like his passengers."

"How many Star Trek captains does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but there are FOUR LIGHTS!"

"what do bad sex and the heimlich maneuver have in common? Both start out with lots of excitement, but then everyone is just relieved when its over"

"My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name."

"Raisins are like tiny senior citizens you can eat."

"Mom always said she didn't have a favorite child, which was tough because I don't have any brothers or sisters."