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Joke of the Day

"i saw this homeless guy talking to himself and i was like, ""who is he talking to?"" then i thought ""who am I talking to?"""

"[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball] -Come on it was one time guys *Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*"

"HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: ... Do you have a charger I can use?"

"Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it's taken over the area that the polish sausage was in.."

"Accordion to a recent survey, most people don't notice when a musical instrument is inserted into a sentence."

"[OC] Name something that can be a variety of sizes, but only comes in large. My penis."

"My girlfriend said to me... ""If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..."" Turns out she meant together."

"Have you ever seen mothballs? How'd you get their tiny legs open?"

"The worst part about going to concerts is realizing people you'd otherwise think are freaks actually share your taste in music."

"I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down."