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Joke of the Day

"I just watched a show about burritos spinning in a circle because my television's broken and my microwave's not."

"I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet. Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though."

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decided to have a BBQ. The Englishmen brought some meat, the Irishman brought some whiskey and the Scotsman brought some dude from Aberdeen."

"Cop: You doin drugs? ""No"" Cop: Whatya smokin? ""Pot"" Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS ""Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs"""

"*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket* Ok stand back ""Detective, what are u doing?"" What does it look like, I'm launching this investigation"

"If I had $1 every time somebody called me a racist... Black people would rob me!"

"A Swedish software company has created a new app that records and analyzes what you say during sleep. You can tell the app is working when it's mad at you the whole next day."

"I was gonna tell a pedophile joke but I always come in a little behind."

"I decided not to let C into my fancy club. It lacks class."

"German sausages... are the WURST!"